Let's just leave it at I hate you. Umm. I'm sort of messed up sometimes. Not with drinking or drugs or anything like that. It's just...life. And I wish it would end.
www.myYearbook.com -- Created
by 2 high school students to kick myspace's ass
And the war was over. And it had never been. And he stood on the bridge alone.
Clutched in her fingers was a stone. Down beside her was the glass. In front of her was the stick. And sticks.
So she put down the stone and laid it to rest; it had died. And she picked up the glass; it had come back alive. And the wood she carved lay as silent as she had been when she madly hacked away at it. Forming the point.
And the sticks they were the bridge. That lead her into freedom. That lead her into misery.
I just realized I would be pretty devastated if I lost more than one finger on my right hand. I mean, I NEED those. Hopefully that won't ever come to pass.
I have been a pretty terrible friend lately. I think I'm just ready to rush through the next week and begin the coming phase of life. Unfortunately, people aren't very good at putting off dealing with their problems for a week. I need more robot friends.
Last night I had a dream that I adopted seven kittens and an adult cat, and they were scraggly and dying under couch cushions. I kept finding them and thinking they were dead, but then they would start to breathe. We were moving into the old house in Oxford for a week (and Takashi lived with us) and I was trying to make a litter box for the cats using goldfish as litter, but realized it wouldn't work, so I went to throw the goldfish away but the bag ripped in the middle of some department store and there was goldfish mush everywhere. Then my mom, Heather, Vicki, and I were in some cart thing until it went off the tracks and the driver drowned until she randomly came rising out of the water. Not creepy at all. Then we had to cross a bridge by climbing across the underside and somehow the others had gotten through this hole that I wouldn't fit through to get to the top and I had to keep leaning down to let cars go over me as I tried to get out of the hole.
Also, we were living at the Peabody's house for a while. That seems to happen a lot, and I have no idea why. I guess being over there every day as a kid? Or maybe since Gabby lived there for a few months? I don't know...
I should probably go to bed since I have to leave for work in seven hours.
I hate feeling useless. I hate taking up people's resources. My parents started talking about paying for school tonight. Mom asked if I'll graduate on time, then said I had better because paying out of state for an extra semester is ridiculous. If I take 18 credits each semester and never fail a class again, I will graduate on time. That doesn't seem like it should be hard, but apparently it is for me. Money is the resource I've always felt worst for taking. I felt terrible choosing to go to an out of state school, but staying anywhere near my mom would not have ended well. And I'd still be bulimic, wouldn't I? Is that worth out of state tuition? I feel bad because I could have gotten more scholarships if I had done better in my last years of high school. These past two years I have been able to cut tuition in half with scholarships, but half is still a pretty large amount. Plus rent, which is less than on-campus, but still.
I don't like thinking about my future. For someone who has known what she has wanted to do since eight years old, I suck at actually being involved in it. I have never volunteered at a zoo or done an internship except at Avalon, which was half useless. I am afraid of the future because I know I won't be prepared. Maybe I should have killed myself in high school. It's still not off the table.
Robert and Kylara kissed on their road trip to and through Ohio. And that really shouldn't bother me as much as it does. I am more protective of him than I am my real brother.
I miss puking. Still. A lot. It has been too long, but I also know it shouldn't happen again. One day it will.
Sometimes I think, "Well...what if I'm kind of nauseous and I throw up accidentally?" But I can control it, and it wouldn't be accidental. Not even close. It would just be lying.
For some reason, I never really thought about the fact that it has been over a year since Cabot and I broke up. I was thinking earlier about it happening "this past April" and then realized that another April has come and gone since then. Shannon made a weird comment last night. She talked about Cabot, and then apologized for bringing him up, because obviously I'm going to break down in tears at the mention of his name...it was quite odd.
My family is terrible at playing Apples to Apples. Having the word "ancient" doesn't necessarily mean you have to pick the oldest thing. London. BAH.
Keyboards are loud. I do not play them, Uncle Mike.
Ohio has been quite fun. Dayton today. I am assuming I will eventually recap what went down, but I am not going to do that just yet. So really, this is pointless.
I don't know where this came from other than my demented head, but for some reason I like the phrase, "vomiting a volcano." As in, "Oh man. You should have seen her last night. Sarah was vomiting a volcano." I don't know what it really means, other than possibly "vomiting a large amount with great force."
So, good.
Today at work I messed up a lot of things. I just generally got Matt's way a lot, and he yelled at me when I failed at explaining that I didn't know what Paula was holding on, but I had a 3-3-4 at least. Anyway, it put me in a self-hating mood because this guy who can't figure out that the burkle goes for ninety seconds and that he doesn't have to stare at the stupid clock figuring out where it will end when it "goes around once and then halfway more" is talking to me like I'm an idiot. Seriously. He took more than ninety seconds explaining to me how to think about the clock going around one and one half times. It was ridiculous. But luckily, that wasn't today. I probably would have punched him if it had been today. Anyhow, this guy came in soon after our talk and asked me how I was and I didn't even try to fake it as I said, "I'm alright." Then I started to look for a pen so he could sign the credit card slip but Paula had stolen the pen and he said he had one on him anyway because he had "in his line of work." People say stuff like that all the time, begging me to ask questions about their lives. I love it. I love that people crave interaction with strangers. So. This guy works at an auto parts place and has to write down what people need at random times. He got a disgusting pizza with something like black olives, green olives, and onions, as well as a cheesebread. Then he sat in the lobby while I worked landing and sang until life was better. We smiled at each other a lot, especially after I helped another woman and was a good deal happier-sounding with her. I don't know. The guy just really cheered me up for no good reason, and I wanted to remember him. So here it is. Here is that guy. There was also a guy with long red hair who got a family greek salad, 5 teriyaki wings, and 5 hot wings (with both setups). Even though I stared at him stupidly at the end and asked, "So...no pizza?" he was nice and called me "Hon." I like when guys that aren't much older but who are definitely at a different life stage from me aren't afraid to use names like that as though they are sixty year old men. Maybe that makes no sense.
Don't call me "Hon."
"Forget you" is my personal "F you."
I am not in a good mood tonight. A few leftovers from Matt, perhaps.
I forgot to get my $2.50 in tips tonight. Actually, the redhead gave me a dollar, too, but I was running away from Matt and forgot to get it out of the bucket. Oops.
